I recently joined another gym after a year-long hiatus so I could throw up, shoot myself up with insulin, and pee every three minutes…I mean, so I could have a baby. It’s a boy! And now I’m pre-diabetic! If I don’t lose 25 pounds by my next follow up doctor’s appointment, they are going to start talking medication. The kind that has side effects. Like total ass-crippling diarrhea. Motivation, if there ever was, I’d say.
So, I joined a more refined (read: more expensive) gym. I love it. I love the women only gym room, the loft area, the smoothie bar, the high wood beam ceilings. However, I don’t always love the strangers I have to share this newfound luxury with.
I never realized it before, but I am a person with a lot of boundary issues. I have a set of rules in my head that all strangers should abide by, even though they don’t know these rules exist and I never inform them of them. But really, I should not need a rule in my head to never see you bent over in nothing but white underwear in the locker room.
So, here it is. Angelique’s Passive Aggressive Rules YOU Need to Follow or Else I Do Something Ferocious, Like Give You the Stink Eye.
1) No over-the-top exhibition-style nudity. This includes anything more than racing from the shower to your locker with an embarrassed smile and averted eyes, followed by the fastest dressing EVER. DO NOT wander around chatting, sitting, or doing anything you should be doing with your clothes on. This is mostly because I get into Seinfeld lines of thinking, such as “Do I avert my eyes from her completely, or do I smile and say hi like she is wearing clothes?”
2) Also, don’t just put on half your clothes. Put on ALL of them. I do NOT need to walk into the locker room and have my first sight be your white-underwear-clad ass, all bent over. True story.
3) Don’t use perfume that smells like men’s cologne in the locker room. Realistically, don’t use perfume AT ALL in the gym. But, if you are on your way to work from working out, don’t confuse me and make me think I accidentally went in the men’s locker room. It’s too early in the morning to shit my pants that way.
…It occurs to me that half my issues could be avoided by never needing to put my coat away or use the only bathroom in the locker room. Moving on.
4) Do not abuse the machines. If I have headphones blasting, I should not be able to hear your machine thumping from your excessive elliptical-ling (yup, it’s a word, now). You are gonna break it, it’s annoying, and I am already dealing with the shame of secretly working out to the sounds of The Pussycat Dolls. Don’t make me change the words of the song to “don’t cha wish- this jackass would- cut the shit -DON’T CHAAAA”.
5) The occasional weightlifting grunt is okay, mostly because I avoid that area and go to the women only room to struggle to lift things that should not be heavy to me. Don’t grunt loudly on the cardio machines. Ever. It’s gross. It makes you sound like I need to start watching you in case I need to stop playing on Facebook and call 911. Because I am a good person like that. Now shut the hell up.
6) Wipe the machines. Moreover, WIPE THE MACHINES USING THE CLEAN PAPER TOWELS PROVIDED ON EVERY WALL. I have to fight my gag reflex every time I watch a person wipe the machine down with the hand towel they draped around their neck to soak up the sweat. *Heave* Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP.
7) If you are a super skinny athletic person, and there is a row of empty machines, I will find it creepy and mildly passive aggressive if you choose the one right next to me. In my head, you are only there to look better than me doing the same activity, and that cannot happen. If you are chubby, though, come on over. Solidarity and all that.
8) I learned this one the hard way. Um, ahem, you should point your television’s remote only near your screen at your arc trainer machine or you start messing with other people watching Sports Center or something, and they hate that. And they intentionally work out three machines away from you for eternity. Whoops.
9) A sports bra is not a shirt. Nothing that makes me feel bad about myself when I look at you is actually considered clothing.
10) Stop hogging the weight machines by texting your friend and telling me you have “one more rep”. Then do your rep, dammit. Put down your phone. Stop taking five minute breaks for a 30 second rep. I don’t even know how you ended up all muscle-y, since I have seen you wandering around the machine more than using it. I am assuming dope. I cry foul. Now move, I have to switch this thing from 85 pounds to 15.
Okay, so that about does it! I feel these are easy to follow, and while they are subject to change at any time, my new rules you will never know you are supposed to follow will be just as easy! Thanks!
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