Oh, boy. I know I bring things on myself. But I don't know if these things escalate this way with other people in quite the same way as they do with me...
I went shopping last week at The Loop with Natalie and my mom. So far, we had a great day finding Natalie a red shirt for "Red Day" at school, a book for me at Border's closeout sale, and a quick latte at Starbucks. When we were ready to head home, we all got in the car and I began pulling out of my parking spot in the lot in front of Starbucks.
I was halfway out of my spot when a huge white SUV started pulling into the empty spot next to me. However, the driver, a teenage girl, was pulling in too wide and was swinging her car in to mine as I was pulling out. She beeped her horn, and I thought, "Ummm, what the fuck, wait five more seconds and you can have two spots to angle your car in, hmmmkay, Driver's Ed?"
I beeped back and kept backing out, which was when she decided to keep going further so her mother could give me the double finger as they continued to pull in. I gave her the finger back, which was when the mother OPENED HER CAR DOOR AND HIT MY CAR WITH HER DOOR WHILE HER SUV WAS STILL IN MOTION!
Oh. Oh, HELL NO!
I pulled my car directly behind hers to block the SUV into its parking spot and got out of my car to assess the damage. There was none, but rather than just get back into my car and drive off, this hag was gonna have to hear my "shouty voice" first.
"UM, REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA HIT MY CAR NOW?!?!"
The woman, who was getting out of the car, jumped back in and locked the doors.
Oh. Oh, this will be fun. I love when people have the balls to do something from the safety of their car and forget they eventually have to, you know, leave the safety of it.
I stare down the woman sitting in the passenger seat. The daughter begins honking her horn in a loud stream of noise to attract the attention of other people (who will do nothing...seriously, when's the last time you got involved with a 300- pound woman screaming at some fitness skank in an SUV?)
"Get out of the car!"
Instead she makes the "International Sign For Fat". In case you haven't experienced it, a thin person sticks their arms out, Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man-style, puffs out their cheeks, and squints their eyes (the eye thing- is it an homage to Sumo wrestlers, also? In which case I call RACIST!). Honestly, the person doing the "ISFF" looks way more ridiculous than someone with 100 extra pounds on them. Which doesn't help their case.
"You need a smoothie", she continues. She pulls out a recyclable water bottle filled with brown sludge and begins talking about how you drink that instead of a meal and lose tons of weight. Only, she has to yell it because she is still too afraid to get out of the car and be my nutritionist.
Ooooh, it's time to get all chemical imbalance-y on her ass! I smile and give her two thumbs up.
"Hey, thanks for the advice!" I stop smiling and get closer to the car. "NOW. GET. OUT. OF. THE. FUCKING. CAR!!!!"
The daughter begins her "blare the horn" routine, and I wait for that to die down before I realize I am getting nowhere. It is time for me to get this bitch to make her own smoothie in her pants...
Once the horn stops I start slamming on the passenger side windows, palms open so my platinum wedding band bangs loudly on the glass.
As I am slamming my hands on the window I am screaming, "THE BIGGER TO KICK YOUR ASS WITH! THE BIGGER TO KICK YOUR ASS WITH!"
So, naturally the horn starts going again, and it has finally attracted the attention of The Loop rent-a-cop vehicle. Sadly, it's time to go.
I hop back in my car and drive away, but not before circling her car a couple times every time she tried to get out of her car, just so I could watch her scatter like a cockroach back inside her car. I'm an asshole. It makes me giggle.
As I drive away, I think about what I now call my "Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes" moment. I'm sure most people would be horrified. It looked like the people on the patio at Starbucks were! But I kind of felt, in a strange way, more powerful. I started gaining this weight 12 years ago from an anti-anxiety medication I was on. I have been off it for years, but the weight stayed on. I have spent so much time hating myself that it took some hilarious antic like this one to realize that other people may not like me, but I LOVE me. I think I am a HOOT! I thought I was a pretty cool chick for sticking up for myself and not just driving away. If it makes me look crazy, so be it. There are worse things to be than crazy. Like a doormat who takes it all without so much as mauling an SUV...
That's Hilarious!!!
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