Natalie has a visitor for the long weekend-- her preschool's classroom mascot, Chimpy. Chimpy is a stuffed animal monkey. He is dirty, worn out, and his stuffing is so old he cannot sit up on his own. Natalie is supposed to dictate to me in a journal what she did with Chimpy over the weekend, and include a drawing and perhaps some pictures.
When Natalie showed Chimpy to her "Meme", the WASP in my mom deemed both Chimpy and his toothbrush, "Dirty...can I at least wash the toothbrush? And you are not sleeping with that thing, either, Natalie." So far, no welcome wagon for poor Chimpy.
The first evening, I was trying to get to sleep but had to come up with cool shit to do with this monkey. I didn't want this to be the lame visit of the class. We had been to a pool party that afternoon, and we were going to a birthday party and a cookout over the weekend, so at least we had places to drag this filthy monkey. I thought of the pictures I would be taking of Chimpy and started to giggle as I nudged Phill.
"Hey, you know what would be EPIC? If I posed Chimpy inappropriately for fun. You know, those pics wouldn't go in the journal, but I would love to pose him at a bar with a cocktail or something...HA, orrr surround him with a batch of Nat's stuffed animals, having an orgy! How hilarious would that be?!"
Phill replied, "Um, no. You are not going to do that. It is a children's monkey and that's wicked immature to do."
Whatever. His point may have been made better if he wasn't watching "Futurama" at the time.
"What if I pose him in Nat's doll bathtub, with rubber ducks over his little monkey private parts?"
"NO. Good night."
The next day, Nat and I were headed to her classmate's birthday party. It was a princess-themed party, complete with a "real princess" and pizza/tea party. The hostess of the party was a hilarious mom who served wine for the grown-ups, a birthday party first for me. It was officially the best party I had been to.
I dressed up Chimpy in a Build-a-Bear princess gown and had Nat take a few pictures holding a drag queen'ed up stuffed monkey at the party. And that was totally before the Reisling!
Once I had a glass of wine in my hand, I decided to feel out a couple of the other moms about Chimpy. Was I the only one who had childish thoughts about posing Chimpy in compromising photos? I decided to dip a toe in the water and mentioned to a couple of the moms that I would love to pose Chimpy with a banana daquiri, just for fun. One mom, while very friendly, is a little on the conservative side and more reserved in conversation. However, she told me the story of how she ended up at an Irish pub with some friends who posed Chimpy with a beer! HOLY SHIT! If the quietest mom in the class got Chimpy fake-drunk, what were the other moms doing?!
The other mom laughed at the story and told a story of her own about a stuffed animal in her family that had been posed in naughty positions with a Barbie. YAY! I'm not a total weirdo, this is just what moms do to let off steam over things like 26-year old stuffed animal houseguests that smell musty!
At the cookout the next day, I totally took a picture of Chimpy huddled up to my husband's Smirnoff Ice. That one is not making it into the journal. I also took a picture of Chimpy in Natalie's toy bathtub, complete with rubber ducks. That one just might make it...
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