I just wanted to have not-hairy legs for church...
Sunday morning, I woke up extra early to get a shower in before the hour-long drive to my friend Shane's house. We were heading to church together later that morning.
As I have said before, I want to work on my spirituality and learn more about God in a way that is more meaningful than when I joke about how I am His favorite sitcom when I join a gym with donut frosting still on my mouth. Shane has offered to help me by taking me to church and answering any questions I have, and also by explaining the bible when I get lost reading it (I assume that will happen often).
However, even with the extra effort, I am still His favorite sitcom...
I cut myself shaving in the shower pretty badly, on the back of my calf. The blood was running down my leg but I assumed, like all the shaving nicks I have gotten, that it would stop bleeding by the time I got out of the shower. And after I hopped out of the tub and dried off, my leg stopped bleeding. Yay!
I quickly got dressed in khaki capris and a blue teeshirt. I brushed my hair, gathered my things, and headed out the door for the loooong drive up to what I consider the Boonies of New Hampshire (Seriously, if you can hit the Kittery Outlets instead of the mall to do a bit of shopping, you are freakin' faaaar away in my world).
When I finally got to Shane's place, coffees in hand, he met me at the security door and followed me up the stairs to his apartment. Which is when he asked me, alarmed, "What is all over your pants?!?"
"What? What do you mean? Where?"
"The back of your pant leg...is that...blood?"
Yup. Apparently, somewhere along the drive up, the cut re-opened and I had a hundred blood spots in various sizes on the bottom of my pant leg. Awesome.
I scooted into his apartment quickly and decided to try to spot-clean the dried blood off my pants before church. I headed to the bathroom, shut the door, and took my pants off to try to scrub at the spots on my pant leg with hand soap.
Yet another absurd occurance I will never share with my husband: I am standing in my ex-boyfriend's bathroom...without pants on!!!
Shane knocks on the door and just his hand appears in the bathroom, holding a small bottle of stain remover. "Shout it out, Angie!"
The Shout works well enough. The stains are now a light pink...they might even dry lighter! YAY! Crisis averted!!!
Until I realize all that thorough scrubbing and washing has made the trail of water rise all the way up to the back pocket of my khakis! DAMMIT! I can't have a wet ass in church!!!
...Which is how I came to have a wet ass in church. I managed to dry the pants about 60% of the way using my car's air conditioner on the drive to church...but still. I sat down in church to forge a relationship with God with one wet, slightly blood-stained pant leg. That really SHOULD score me some "Jesus Points" or something...
At the end of the service, as the band was playing while people were leaving, Shane looked at me thoughtfully and said, "You know, you should relax. You really dont look very relaxed."
Haha, nope, I didn't feel very relaxed or peaceful at that moment, nooooo.
On the way out, Shane had me fill out a new member card so I could get a welcome bag that featured a bible. Since Sophie Kinsella or Jennifer Weiner were not authors of The Bible, nor is it in the "Womens Fiction" section of a bookstore, I never thought to buy one on my own. I filled out my name and contact information, and checked off the box that said, "Today I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior". Hey, why not, right?
I brought the card to a man standing behind the table of welcome bags and he said excitedly, "Oh! You are accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior today?"
Wait, does something else happen to me when I check the box? Did I sign up for something? I thought you had to check it off if you were interested in learning more...but now my brain is flashing to that scene in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding when John Corbett gets baptized in a kiddie pool. This church is portable and currently held in a movie theater...surely there's no kiddie pool next to the concession stand, right? OH, whyyyy did I check the box before asking Shane what it even meant?!?!?! Obviously, the morning had already been too taxing on my brain so I cleverly responded, "Uhhhh...YEAH! Wait...Did I check the right box?"
Thankfully, I am pretty sure the guy caught my "deer in headlights" expression and said kindly (um, yet also a little slowly), "Well, when you were sitting there...and the pastor was talking...you felt God talk to you....and he asked you to let him into your heart........riiiight?"
"Uh, YESSSSS." Okay, so we know what checking that box means. Mystery solved.
I then got the welcome bag, containing several informational packets, a bible, a CD, a DVD, and a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert at T.G.I.Fridays. I just got how hilarious that is. Get it? "Thank God it's Friday?" Haha! I wonder if that was intentional...
Since Shane was headed to work after church, we parted ways at the theater. I checked off "Avoid Highways" and "Avoid Tolls" on the way home, so naturally the thing ignored me and took me through every tolled highway and left me scrambling for dimes while trying to drive. I tried to get off the highway, only to have the GPS lead me back to the highway to pay the same toll AGAIN. Once I ran out of change I got off the highway, spotted a CVS, and bought a bag of Combos and a Perrier as an excuse to get cash back in case I hit yet another toll.
I stress-ate the entire bag of Combos rapid fire while I slung a string of swears at the car behind me who wouldn't let me turn around because I was lost. I spent the next half hour on the back roads, blindly heading to my town using only the occasional road sign while the GPS intoned, in her Slavic accent, directions leading me to the nearest tolled highway.
I finally made it home, with one dried-stiff bloody pantleg, bloated from salty Combos and clutching a bible while yelling to Phill, "Your GPS is a total piece of SHIT!"
....Obviously, Shane did not realize the task at hand when he offerred to help me learn about God. He so has his hands full.
