I did it. I am pretty sure I was almost serial raped and murdered by an overzealous gentleman in the woods, but I did it.
I walked/jogged the trail at Winnekenni Castle...It was not by choice.
It all started at Saturday's bootcamp. I walked into the aerobic room, ready to do countless squats and lunges with an 18-pound bar on my back (to warm up!). I got my little mat out and sat down while I heard rumblings of an outing for this bootcamp.
"Are we really going to Winnekenni?"
"Chris said we were running some trail."
"Are we running there?"
I maaaay have freaked out and started on my litany of excuses.
"Ummm, does Chris have a MEDIC on site? Is an ambulance going to follow my ass the entire time? Because otherwise, I AM NOT GOING. Also, mosquito season is unusually high this year...just sayin'."
I planned my escape with my friend Michaela. I told her if we drove there, I would just KEEP DRIVING. Michaela said, "Well, I need a ride there." Dammit! Now I had to go.
The trainer Chris walked in, and I am pretty sure I had on my "are you out of your damned mind" face on. I think I may give it to him a lot. Obviously, I have reason.
Before I could just agree to meeting and fleeing the scene, some older woman ran up to Chris and TOLD ON ME! TOLD! ON! ME! She literally pointed to me and told Chris I was gonna leave. Oh, I will GET her for that!!!
Chris came up to me and threatened to hunt me down and drag me to the woods, sooo I was persuaded to meet them at the trail.
We started off with a couple of warm-up circuits, and then hit the trail. Tim, another trainer, was apparently assigned to the, ahem, slow kids in the group. He tried to encourage me to run, but I was still in high-defense mode.
"After the first 300 feet, we are gonna start a jog, okay?"
"Ummm, how about this. If Chris looks back to check on me I will bounce my boobs a lot to make it look like I am running and we will call it even?"
"What's your name?"
"Angie. Or, Pain in the Ass."
So, as much as I didn't want to, I started a small jog when Tim told us to. And I walked. And I jogged. And I walked. And I felt a foreign presence behind me...
An older man was walking up behind us and started in on me THE ENTIRE JOG.
"Don't give up on yourself, I have seen 400 POUND PEOPLE do this, and the weight falls right off of them, you just gotta believe, don't quit! Believe in yourself! Get up every morning at 6:30 and do this! I am 67 years old and I am here every day!"
Sometimes God brings people into our lives to inspire us, to motivate us. Personally, I find God to have a love of dinner theater and wanted a little show to go with His heavenly hash ice cream on this sweltering day.
I quickly eyed Tim and thanked God that while he threw this old creepy guy at me, he also blessed me with the presence of a giant muscled dude no one would mess with. All I have to do is jog to keep up with him and thus will avoid getting murdered in the woods by this fat chick fetishist!
RUN ANGIE!!!!! RUNNNNN!!!!
Tim made sure there was enough distance between me and Creepy Guy. I think he got the hint when Creepy Guy was ahead of me and I pointed an imaginary gun to my head while looking at Tim. However, Creepy Guy PERSISTED.
At one point he was ahead of me too much and stopped to PRETEND TO TIE HIS SHOE while I caught up to him and then he kept at it: "You just gotta believe! You can do it! Don't quit! Do this all the time and it gets easier!"
Oh. My. GOD!!!! Make it stop!
Tim kept steering me away from Creepy Guy (by this point it should be evident that Tim's my new favorite!) but he would not go away. He finally left us alone when we were out of the woods (literally and figuratively) and joined the rest of the bootcamp group.
I told Chris about Creepy Guy, but all he said was, "Awww, that's so sweet how he was cheering you on."
"Um, really? NO. The only reason I jogged at all was to stay near Tim and not get murdered. Hey, did you guys hire him to chase me around?"
Allegedly, no. But it did get my ass in gear.
Angie's valuable life lesson #1: Until your fat ass loses a shit-ton of weight and looks normal enough to not attract the attention of the mentally ill, perform all outdoor exercise in a group led by a "Six Foot Muscled Wall of Trainer".
